You give good text
I have long been a critic of text messages, not out of any Luddite paranoia, merely because they seem to have become the refuge of emotional cowards, the socially inept and creeps.
With more and more men isolating themselves via single living, email and internet porn, I reckon we need to encourage people to talk face to face or at least make phone calls when dealing with life's larger issues, rather than texting "whateva".
Unfortunately, men and women of all stripes are using text messages to break off marriages, test the waters for first dates, fire employees and castigate friends and family instead of simply manning up and doing this stuff in person.
Recently, however, I've been again thrust into the wild waters of romance and realised that once the initial attraction and intimacies have been achieved, texting is actually a high speed way of getting to know someone better when they're not physically present ... more
- Posted at 12:21 AM
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Monkey boy
How do you tell someone they smell? That they're boring or they shit you to tears and you don't want to be their 'friend'?
"Just tell them," a lot of people would say but it's often not that easy, especially in the workplace or if it's a member of your family.
Civilisation has a lot to answer for in this regard and one of the more rankling aspects of polite society is we have to put up with other people's aberrant behaviour, weird habits and body odours rather than just run them through with a sword.
There are laws to instruct the mass of us about fast we can drive or how much tax we should pay but there's none to say how often the guy next to you on the bus should shower or how many stupid stories a receptionist can tell at work drinks. So what to do? ... more
- Posted at 12:21 AM
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The eight-week rule
A friend of a friend sent me an email on the weekend outlining his case for the formalisation of a new dating regulation - the eight-week rule - a time period "at the commencement of a relationship, in which there is no obligation on behalf of either party to offer any form of commitment".
The gentleman, one Burton Throm, said that during this time "there is no obligation to have any kind of serious conversation or even self-reflection about your feelings for that person. At the end of the eight weeks, however, it is essential to consider the situation and act accordingly."
"On one hand, the eight-week rule offers (dare we say encourages) eight weeks of carefree fun, even when you know full well there is no future in the relationship. On the other hand, it forces you to lay your cards on the table after eight weeks, and discourages you from stringing the other person along or getting too comfortable with a person you're not that interested in," wrote Burton.
Having been around the block a couple of dozen times, I have invoked the cousin of the eight-week rule (the three-week rule) on quite a few occasions - gamely telling myself I hadn't worked out my true feelings for the girl in question, knowing full well I was being emotionally dishonest.
That came to a shuddering halt once I spent ten days not talking at the Vipassana Meditation Centre in Blackheath and learned a term called "sexual misconduct" ... more
- Posted at 12:21 AM
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A Foot in the Door 08
Pssst, I want you to meet someone. Click here.
Her name is NB and she's a 15-year-old student from RAWA Community School, which is in Punmu, in the middle of the Great Sandy Desert about seven hours driving from the nearest town.
This is their footy field. This is their classroom. And that video was shot three weeks ago while NB was doing work experience at Sky News during her very first visit to Sydney.
On November 5th, hours after America had elected its first black President, I had dinner with NB and 15 other Indigenous high school students who were the 2008 intake of the A Foot in the Door program.
As I sat eating pizza with those young people, I couldn't help wonder how long it would be until Australia voted for a black Prime Minister and if, like America, we'd need a George Bush to come along first? ... more
- Posted at 12:21 AM
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Take half of what you're offered
It remains to be seen how successful the Rudd Government's $20 million anti-binge drinking television advertising campaign will be and while I wish it every success, I dunno how it's gonna compete against the hundreds of millions spent to push piss as the essence of the Aussie way of life.
You can't turn on the TV over summer (or winter) without seeing boofy blokes from every sporting code blowing the froth off the sponsor's finest and giving the camera a wink, just in case you hadn't worked it out: getting drunk rules.
I daresay that's the terrible hypocrisy that leaps out at most teenagers, who more than anything want to be adults: the entire friggin' world glorifies sucking piss - sportsmen, politicians, celebrities and mum and dad are constantly falling foul of over-indulgence - yet nascent teen drinkers are expected to exercise control on the drink.
I'm not sure what the answer is, but I know I'd tell my kids to have a water every second drink, switch to light beer if you're getting stupid, stay away from shots and don't get in cars with anyone once you or they have started boozing ... more
- Posted at 12:21 AM
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Easy listening
Nostalgia is a powerful force in humans, the desire to hark back to an earlier time, when "things were simpler", the world a kinder place, the petrol cheaper, our bums smaller and firmer.
Caught up in all this sentimental delusion is also the near universal conviction amongst the older generation that the music was better when they were youngsters.
Is there a parent alive who's not bored their teenagers with hours of their favourite bands and singers, trying to carve the stone of adolescent insouciance with the drip, dripping of Bobby Darin, ZZ Top, The Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, Nirvana, Mudhoney, Soundgarden or Midnight Oil?
"They just don't make music the way they used to" says dad, ignoring the fact just about every band that's charting nowadays sounds pretty much like every band that was charting in the 70s, 80s and 90s ... more
- Posted at 12:21 AM
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Near-death experiences
You may have seen news stories this week about Somali pirates attacking a Thai fishing boat with 16 crew members on board, apparently the eighth ship to be seized in the area in the past fortnight.
It might seem far from home sitting at your computer, but back in 1995, my step-brother John Flannery was aboard a yacht attacked by pirates in those very waters. Read on for a hair-raising tale ...
AS THE SLEEK 80-foot racing yacht Longobarda motored through still waters off the coast of Somalia, Captain Neil Batt and his crew dozed in the cool darkness of their cabins after coming off night watch.
At the wheel, first mate Paul Quinn stared at the African sun as it climbed higher into the morning sky and shrieked down on the oily Indian Ocean. Below deck the ship's state-of-the-art radar system registered a small green dot moving slowly towards him.
Unbeknownst to Quinn and the rest of the crew, which included my brother John Flannery, death was stalking the Longobarda ... more
- Posted at 12:21 AM
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Discipline
When we see someone with a good body there's a lot of subconscious reactions: attraction, envy, desire, perhaps even jealousy.
Buried deeper, however, is another involuntary acknowledgment that here is a person who displays physical discipline.
This is not to say that everyone who has a good body is disciplined - they may be bulimic, a junkie or just genetically blessed - but it is generally part of the complex message delivered to our senses when we see someone athletic without their clothes on.
Discipline is a profound virtue and we reveal its existence in our lives via social shorthand, through traits like cleanliness, the way we talk, financial stability, an even temperament and the clothes we wear ... more
- Posted at 12:21 AM
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Where have all the feminists gone?
Australian women's attitudes to feminism strikes me as similar to the late Superman star Christopher Reeve's relationship to stem cell research after the horse-riding accident that left him quadriplegic.
At the height of his youth and fame, Reeves was back-slapped worldwide and probably felt as invulnerable as the Man of Steel; advocacy for the disabled was the last thing on his mind.
Then in May, 1995, Reeve was thrown off his recalcitrant galloper and paralyzed from the neck down: soon after he was everywhere, lobbying on behalf of people with spinal cord injuries and for human embryonic stem cell research to help him lift film scripts again.
He was a powerful advocate, but it was the advocacy of self-interest: Australian women's attitudes to feminism are very similar - most of them only want it when they need it ... more
- Posted at 12:21 AM
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Loose change
In his weekly column, ESPN writer Bill "Sports Guy" Simmons recently recounted a story about his in-laws sitting down to watch the movie Georgia Rule starring Lindsay Lohan.
"We were about 20 minutes in and my father-in-law suddenly starts out a sentence, 'that Lindsay ... she seems like she's a little loose'," writes Simmons.
The interesting part is that this 70-year-old American man was using the term in the old-fashioned sense, meaning a woman who displays a certain sexual profligacy: "That's what we called girls like her back in my day: loose," said the father-in-law.
Simmons, who's pretty on the ball when in comes to American pop culture, said "I don't know why the term 'loose' dropped out of our everyday vernacular", which made me realise the word hasn't yet been resurrected in the US, like it has been here in Australia.
Aussies love slang and "loose" is a great example of how we've reinvigorated a stuffy term and given it new meaning because, while being called "loose" used to be an indictment, it's now a badge of honour ... more
- Posted at 12:21 AM
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On wearing after shave
I was sitting on a bus a while back and a sweaty looking dude - good suit, expensive tie, briefcase - plonked down nearby and crop-dusted me and the surrounding five or six people with a blast of after shave that left me nauseated.
It wasn't just that he was wearing gallons of the stuff, it was the scent - sweet and musky - and if I was forced to put a name to it, I'd call it eau de sexual assault because the odour was plain creepy.
So here's a guy who's easily spent two grand on his clothes, shoes and accessories and probably worked as a fund manager, but because of a poor choice of stanky, I couldn't help think he had a relative drugged in his basement or that he sold pre-loved AK-47s to renegade African regimes.
Smells can trigger powerful associations, which makes after shave a bit like nitroglycerin in a man's arsenal of attractiveness - it's all too easy to overdo it and blow your head off (or hers) ... more
- Posted at 12:21 AM
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The essence of sex
As dense, academic texts go, Clive Hamilton's latest treatise The Freedom Paradox does not disappoint: there are entire pages where I have absolutely no idea what he's talking about.
"A radical reconsideration of the meaning of freedom and morality in the modern world," I found the book impenetrable at times but salted with enough blazing insight to keep me interested for the past two months during trips to the dunny, where it sat next to the Sorbent.
Hamilton's a big brain, who I imagine would be fascinating company for a night on the drink (a chilled Semillon for Clive thanks, schooner for me) and I particularly enjoyed his musings on the sexual act, which gave me some insight into why sex can sometimes feel so right and other times so very wrong.
"Many people are left with a vague feeling that each time they have casual sex they give away a little of themselves, that something sacred is profaned and they are diminished as a result," writes Hamilton, not that I'd know what he's talking about ... more
- Posted at 12:21 AM
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Bozo
Bozo sat at his mirror in his sweat wet costume wiping off his greasepaint when there was a knock at the door.
- Yeah?
- Ben, it's mum.
Bozo sprang wide-eyed from his chair.
- Mum?
- Ben? Can I come in?
The door began to creak open but Bozo leaped on the handle and dragged it shut.
- Ben? What's wrong?
Bozo clung to the door, furiously wiping off his make-up with a towel, then his shirt, and finally the bedspread. He tore off his costume.
- I'm naked Mom.
- I've seen your dick before Ben. Ben?
Face clean, Bozo looked around his trailer at the posters of him performing with other famous clowns, his costumes, the over sized shoes, his collection of antique red noses ...
- Posted at 12:21 AM
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It's not that complicated
A few months ago I received a phone call from a popular women's magazine asking me to write a 1,800 word feature about the things women could do to entice men to approach them in bars.
I had just released a book dealing with how blokes can improve their attractiveness to the opposite sex and the editor of this magazine thought I might be able to do the same for women.
"I don't need 1,800 words," I told her, "it's pretty simple. Look hotter or younger."
Now, I'm not suggesting this is all a guy looks for in a woman but the point of the magazine story was "how to get men to approach women in bars" not "how to be a better person" or "why nightclubs are stupid, superficial places to meet Mr Right".
I could have told her that developing an engaging personality or affirming positive thoughts in the shower will draw single guys to women at bars but it's just not true.
Men in pubs and clubs are like bumblebees; they approach the brightest flower. I didn't invent this stuff - it's actually really simple - so why do we insist on complicating it? ... more
- Posted at 12:21 AM
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